Behind the Curtain of a Web Developer: Weird Stuff People Put into Google

One of the fantastic things about being a web developer, provided that numbers interest you, is the analytics. The sordid life of a website developer is rife with tracing patterns that take people in and out of sites, and while they’re usually used to optimise conversion and get valuable information about your own website, it does give a unique insight into the lives of our visitors, and honestly, sometimes they’re a bit weird.

I watch the stats of a few dozen pages, and usually this information only interests me to see large changes in demographics, track spammers, scammers and bots, or for analysis when upgrade time comes around. Sometimes, I surf the results for fun.

Without further ado, here are some of the best things people have put into google to direct them to sites I moderate, maintain or own, and, for the queries that are put to google and went unanswered because they spent three minutes reading a tangentially related article instead, here’s some of those burning questions.

The following words are things I’ve personally never put into google and aren’t representative of any of the things I think, feel or ask google. Usually I ask google how to fix my sink. Also, I don’t own any sites with an R rating. Some of them might not be 100% safe for work, but they’re all above board.

can a dead corpse be raped?
As opposed to an alive corpse, which I’m assuming is a girl in a Corpse Bride cosplay, a corpse can’t be “raped”, per say. Legally, it falls under necrophilia laws, and while not technically rape, as a corpse is no longer a “person”, it’s still a) wrong and b) gross.

glory holes in gas stations
if the person who asked this did their research, they’d know where to find these, and I’m not sharing a link to the website that puts them all on a map with reviews.

hippopotamus ivory dildo
If you can dream it, you can do it. I’m pretty sure that there’s a real life, twisted version of “rule 34” (if you can think of it, there’s porn of it) where if you can think of an object, it has been used sexually in some context.

my college roommate fingered me at night?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you didn’t engage in consensual mutual masturbation at some point after the sun went down. If you were asleep, passed out, intoxicated, or in a position where you did not or were unable to say “yes”, then this is sexual assault, and a great resource for this exact situation is I’m very sorry, and good luck.

itching and skin warping out of palm
See your doctor. This is probably a reaction of some sort, but better to be safe than sorry!

naked selfies Alicia Thompson
Sorry buddy, not here. (Note: Alicia Thompson is also the name of an author, a psychologist and a basketball player!)

wishing my oldest son a very happy 39th birthday
Tell your boy that. Then tell him that you love him, and you’re proud of him.

Christian Borle gay by
1) none of your business 2) no 3) grammar. I know they probably meant gay/bi, but is gay by a new term, like if you’re a gay man and you perve on a straight guy you put him on gay by so the day he comes out you have first dibs?


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